7 Relationship Resources You Can Start Using Today
Therapy is an investment in time, money (I said it! we can talk about money here), brainpower, and emotional energy. I promise, I’m not trying to scare you away... I’m actually hoping to invite you in if you’re ready and willing to do the work.
All of that being said, there are a handful of resources you can try on your own before seeing a therapist. Better yet, if you’re already in individual or couples therapy, you can use these resources to keep the conversations going in between sessions or during a break in the upcoming holiday season.
I’ve listed a number of great resources I recommend below. Some are phone apps available for iPhone and Android. Others are books, workbooks, or card decks to spark conversation. Most of these resources are free or require a small, one-time payment or monthly subscription. All are relationship-focused and provide guiding questions and prompts to get you thinking (and talking) about various relationship topics and issues.
Take a look and give one or two a try! You might gather more information about where you want to improve or where you could use more help.
Gottman Card Decks App
Best for: Those who want or need some conversation-starters about relationship topics.
Cost: Free
The Gottman Institute created a virtual “card deck” app available for smartphones. Click on one of the 14 card decks (arranged by topic) to find prompting questions or statements to guide conversation, spark ideas, and maybe even create a bit of fun on a slow afternoon or a date night. Topics include: Love Maps, Open-Ended Questions, Rituals of Connection, Opportunity, Sex Questions, Date Questions, Give Appreciation, I Feel…, Salsa (Mild, Medium, Hot), Expressing Needs, Expressing Empathy, and Great Listening.
Lasting: Marriage & Couples App
Best for: Those who want or need more structure and accountability from a relationship app with built-in reminders, conversation-starters, guidance about ways to approach an issue, and lots of information to back it all up.
Cost: Free 7-day trial, then a monthly subscription for access to content. $40 - $60/month for you and a partner (cost varies based on discounts offered at sign-up).
Use the app on your own or pair with a partner. The creators of Lasting have produced a great collection of brief (usually 15-20 minute) sessions and learning modules on an extensive range of relationship topics: Essentials, Sex, Important Topics, Life Stages, Tough Seasons, Maintenance, and more. Customized reminders can be set to give you a “nudge” to check in with each other, complete certain sessions or exercises, provide acknowledgement, and more.
One small note about limitations… Lasting is marketed as a “marriage counseling and couples therapy program.” While I recommend the app for its well-organized, helpful, and creative offerings that make relationship guidance accessible and more affordable (that’s amazing!) — it’s not a substitute for couples therapy with a human. A licensed therapist who gets to know you, your partner, and your unique goals and challenges. They’re different experiences.
Gottman 52 Questions Before Marriage or Moving In
Best for: Couples who want to learn about each other by answering the need-to-know questions before getting married or moving in together.
Cost: $13
In this deck of 52 cards, you’ll find questions about how you would approach certain issues and areas of your marriage: Romance, Social Life, Work and Money. Pull the deck out and ask questions that can increase knowledge and intimacy with your partner. You’ll find questions such as, “If one career takes off and the other doesn’t, how will this affect your relationship? What are the determining factors for who will take care of dependents (children, parents, pets)? What are two of your partner’s deepest hopes, aspirations, or dreams? When do you feel most heard or listened to?”
The Couple’s Workbook: Homework to Help Love Last by The School of Life
Best for: Couples who enjoy learning about relationships and journaling about their progress in a hardcover book (non-electronic format). Half-book, half-journal.
Cost: $17
If you’re a fan of Alain de Botton’s book, The Course of Love, The Couple’s Workbook might be for you. If you enjoy a perspective on relationships that’s part-philosophical, part-realist, but altogether pretty empowering, you’ll find that here, too. The workbook contains chapters on aspects of relationships (and advice) to consider and leaves room for exercises and notes to complete with a partner. From the book: “Love is a skill, not just an emotion – and in order for us to get good at it, we have to practice, as we would in any other area we want to shine in.” The School of Life offers a vast library of articles, videos, and books, including more card decks in their e-shop. Check out their website for more.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Best for: Anyone who is a sexual being and wants to learn more about sexual desire, arousal, pleasure, presence and more—and how we humans can navigate it all with more ease. Women/female-identified/vulva owners and their partners.
Cost: $15
Emily Nagoski’s book is the go-to book I recommend to friends, colleagues, and sex therapy clients who want more information about their own bodies and how to improve their sex life. If you’re a woman and you’re wondering how your body really works, why you have low desire, or why your body no longer responds how you want it to, read this. If you’re a partner of a woman, read it too. No matter how you identify—gender, sexual orientation, relationship arrangement, partnered, single, etc.—this book will provide you with information AND research on sexuality, all written in an approachable, conversational way. If you’re not a big reader or it feels too overwhelming, try Nagoski’s Come As You Are Workbook first, which contains more succinct snippets of information and thought exercises to help you learn and apply many of the concepts to your own life.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - Online Quizzes
Best for: Anyone in any kind of relationship (romantic, family, friendship, work)
Cost: Free online quizzes; $8 for Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages book and concept gives language to what we know to be true: “different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways.” The 5 love languages include: Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation. Learn about your and your loved one’s love languages (you might have several) and make adjustments in order to give and receive in a way that feels more fulfilling. AND, an interesting bonus… if you have a love language, you can bet you also have an Apology Language and Anger Language. Take a look at these additional quizzes and see what you learn about how you show love, give and receive apologies, and manage and express anger.
EstherPerel.com
Best for: Those who love Esther Perel’s books, voice, and work on the philosophy of all things relationships.
Cost: Free articles, videos, and access to Letters from Esther newsletter. Other paid resources and books in her shop and online.
Last, but not least!!! Esther Perel is a relationship and sex therapist, speaker, and bestselling author. She’s one of the great voices on the workings of relationships, couples therapy, and sex therapy. She writes and speaks often about the desire, eroticism, and the paradoxes of relationships—how we long for security and stability on one hand, and risk, novelty, spontaneity, and adventure on the other…often wanting and hoping for all of these things with the same person. You might find her words reminding you that you are very human and not at all crazy. Listen to her podcasts, view her TedTalks or other interviews, read her books (Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs)… she’ll leave you with a nugget of relational wisdom that will stick with you.
Well, there we have it. I have successfully nerded out writing about all of these relationship resources! You’ll get the most out of these tools if you 1) use them 2) use them consistently and 3) try to share and apply what you learn with those around you.
Interested in learning more about individual therapy for relationship issues, couples therapy, or sex therapy services? My private practice is based in Chicago, IL and I offer online therapy to residents of Illinois and Michigan. Reach out today to schedule a free phone consultation to see if we’re a good fit.
