Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships: What is it, and what can you do about it?
In my work as a relationship and sex therapist, I’ve heard many talk about desire problems in their intimate relationships. They say some version of the following:
My partner wants to have sex more often than we do. The problem is, I don’t feel much desire or drive for it anymore.
[PARTNER A]: I need emotional connection before I can be affectionate or even think about having sex with you.
[PARTNER B]: And I need physical connection before I can really feel the emotional connection, or give you what you need there.
My partner hasn’t been interested in physical affection, intimacy… anything. It’s dropped off. Did I do something? Is something wrong with them? How do we get back to where we used to be? How do we get to a better place?
Differences and problems with sexual desire can create tension and upset in most relationships, leading people to believe that their sex life is broken. You’re not broken. And the problem is more common than you think. It’s called sexual desire discrepancy.
What is Sexual Desire Discrepancy?
Desire discrepancy is a difference in levels of sexual desire (or libido) between partners in a sexual relationship. You might also hear it called mismatched sexual desire or mismatched libido. It’s a common feature of sexual relationships (especially long-term relationships, after the honeymoon phase or new relationship energy fades). Desire differences begin to surface as time passes. One person often has low to no desire, while the other has higher desire, creating a dynamic where couples rarely feel on the same page regarding a mutually satisfying sexual frequency. Desire discrepancy is one of the most common issues raised by clients in sex therapy. Along with low sexual desire and arousal, performance anxiety, physical discomfort during intercourse, and the various relationship issues that can arise alongside sexual concerns.
How Desire Discrepancy Affects Individuals
An individual’s desired frequency for sexual experiences doesn’t align with actual frequency of sexual experiences in the relationship. When you’re not getting what you want or wish for sexually, it can be physically and emotionally distressing. Whether you’re aching for more frequent sexual connection or you have low to no sexual desire or interest, your partner isn’t matching your need. Both higher-desire partners and lower-desire partners can experience distress.
People start to believe that they are too much…not enough…sexually broken…or that their sex life is doomed. It’s not fun to feel like your partner doesn’t want or desire sex with you. It’s also not fun to feel like you “have to” have sex more often than you’d like (while consenting and willing) in order to keep your partner happy and satisfied. Lower-desire partners often feel like the problem. They want to want sex and look forward to it, but they have a nagging feeling that their bodies or minds just won’t cooperate.
Note: The terms “high-desire” and “low-desire” partners are relative. There isn’t an optimal, normal, or standard level of sexual desire or frequency that you must reach. What is normal or abnormal is defined by YOU and your relationship. Neither position—having high or low sexual desire—is inherently problematic. There is so much variation in sexual desire and experiences from person to person.
The problem is rarely your body or your level of sexual desire on its own. Sexual problems frequently arise in the context of relationships and/or partnered sex. The problem is the emotional turmoil, stress and tension, feelings of rejection, and relationship conflict patterns that are so often fueled by desire discrepancy.
This is actually good news, because these things—both the sources and “relational side effects” of desire differences—can be addressed and explored in couples sex therapy. You can get specialized help and resources for these concerns with a sex therapist.
How Desire Discrepancy Affects Couples
For many couples, desire discrepancy can feel like an unsolvable relationship problem. One partner wants more sex in the relationship, while one partner wants (or is not as bothered by) less-frequent sex. Many hold some common (albeit, sometimes unhelpful) beliefs and expectations for sex in relationships:
We should be having more sex, more often. Our sex life is not normal. We should be having BETTER sex. I should have higher desire or interest than I do. My desire is problematic for this relationship. —> Notice all the “shoulds”? The self-judgment, evaluation of yourself and your relationship, and comparison to “everyone else” out there is sneaky. And it’s likely creating impossible pressure on you to fix this. This pressure usually doesn’t make cultivating sexual desire and arousal any easier.
Meeting in the middle can work for some couples, but the idea of compromise ends up feeling like a turn-off for many. I’ve often heard partners say, “I don’t want you to feel obligated to have sex more often. I want you to want it.” This is around the time when people ask for help and begin couples sex therapy. They’ve tried a few things to make some changes, but they’re stuck. They don’t know how else to talk about it or how to make it better.
Factors That Can Impact Sexual Desire
Being human — You have a brain, a body, and genitals that respond to sexual stimulus in different ways, and sexual experiences (a sexual “blueprint” or “template”) that influence your sexual expectations and preferences.
Being in a relationship with another human — Yes. Just by being in a relationship, you are more likely to face mismatched levels of desire at some point in your life. Put two people together and you are likely to discover differences.
Mood and mental health — Anxiety, depression, stress, life transitions and adjustments. Performance anxiety, ruminating thoughts, and distractions during sex can lead to a negative feedback loop: sex isn’t all that great when you do try to have it, so you’re less interested in trying next time.
Medication and substance use — Many medications and treatments (antidepressants, hormone therapies, cardiovascular meds, chemotherapy, and more) can negatively impact arousal, desire, or ability to orgasm. Alcohol has an impact on physiological and cognitive function, too.
Physical health — Sexual arousal and functioning relies on blood flow to your genitals. Good physical health and regular exercise makes a difference. Genital pain, chronic pain and illness, fatigue, other medical conditions, and consistent use of certain medications can greatly impact desire. So can simple bodily functions, such as hunger, hydration, indigestion, headaches, or the need to use the bathroom.
Relationship conflict and low emotional connection — Frequent disagreements, feeling disconnected, or feeling misunderstood in relationships often negatively impacts interest in sex. For some, conflict kills desire. For others, conflict may promote desire—sex becomes a way to bridge the gap, repair, and re-connect. You’ve heard about makeup sex.
The list goes on… there are an infinite number of factors that can influence desire and sexual functioning.
What Can You Do About Desire Discrepancy?
Explore the contexts that fuel desire and those that kill desire. These contexts are internal (the state of your mind and body) and external (where you are physically in your environment). Share what you learn with your partner, a friend, or your therapist.
Some questions to explore context:
When you have high arousal and desire for sex (or a really positive, remarkable sexual experience)… Where are you? What time of day? How anxious, distracted, stressed, relaxed, or present do you feel? How connected do you feel to your partner, physically and emotionally? What thoughts or worries are distracting you from the present moment? Is your partner doing or saying anything in particular? What do you smell, see, taste, feel? What are you imagining or fantasizing about? Are you noticing noises or worried about others hearing you? You can find more guidance with exploring contexts that affect sexual desire in Emily Nagoski’s book, Come As You Are.
Read Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski (or the accompanying Come As You Are Workbook) for invaluable and easy-to-digest information on sexual desire (responsive vs. spontaneous desire), contexts that affect desire, and more on the science of sex.
Embrace it, be curious about it — These differences are a common feature of long-term relationships. Is desire discrepancy truly creating problems for you and your partner? Or, could the difference just feel new, or not-so-new but a little alarming? For example, efforts to become pregnant can create pressure for sex not to fail. Noticing and talking about the differences with curiosity can help you and your partner discover and co-create a sex life that is satisfying, interesting, and worth wanting—worth desiring.
Reach out to a relationship and sex therapist who can provide a safe place to learn, discuss, and identify ways to bridge the gap. You can begin sex therapy to address sexual concerns as an individual or as a couple. Most sex therapists have sought out hundreds of hours of advanced educational and clinical training in sexual health and sex therapy, specialized supervision, and ongoing consultation in the field. Many are AASECT-certified sex therapists or working toward certification. I know I don’t just speak for myself when I say that we take our specialization seriously and want to provide affirming, sex-positive, and evidence-based treatment to our therapy clients.
Getting help for sexual and intimacy issues can feel awkward or nerve-wracking for many, especially with a therapist who is new to you. If you’re ready to get help from a licensed therapist specializing in relationships and sexual issues, visit my contact page to reach out and schedule a consultation.
In my private practice based in Chicago, IL, I also offer couples therapy, individual therapy for relationship issues, and premarital counseling. Fit with a therapist, as well as feeling seen and safe, is important to your progress in therapy — I offer a free 15-minute consultation to discuss your concerns and see if we’re a good fit before scheduling an initial session.
