Permission to Be Selfish
Many come to therapy individually or as a couple, struggling to figure out how to feel better in their relationships. Sometimes, the path forward is learning how to slow down, listen more intently, express more empathy, and build trust within the relationship to share vulnerable worries and feelings.
But for those who say, “That’s not us, we’ve got that down. We think our problem is that we care TOO MUCH,” I have a suggestion to offer. It’s a little counterintuitive for people who are trying to reduce distress in their relationships. It’s one of those things that’s simple but not always easy. Try allowing yourself to be selfish.
To those who are working really hard to be kind and caring: it’s ok to be a little selfish.
It can help you AND your relationships.
I’m not saying be unkind or start take, take, taking and focusing on yourself in a way that isn’t you. I wouldn’t ask or expect you to change who you are. I am, however, suggesting you give yourself permission to focus more on your needs and wants in your relationship. Even if just a little bit more.
Even if it feels hard, awkward, uncomfortable, or a little bit wrong.
Why It’s Hard to Prioritize Our Own Needs
You work hard to be kind, thoughtful, and considerate of others. It may come really naturally to you. You take pride in being self-aware and you’re also sensitive to the feelings and experiences of those around you. Before you know it, though, your needs are nudged down to the bottom of the list in sneaky and subtle ways. It can look and sound like this:
Going along with what others want because it’s easier.
Consistently putting your partner’s preferences before your own: Are you ok with this? What do you want for dinner tonight? What do you want to do this weekend? This is thoughtful, but have you thought about what you want or need?
Wanting to share a worry or unsettling feeling, but stuffing it down because you don’t want to upset your partner.
You share how you feel, but you end up focusing on your partner’s, thoughts, feelings, and reactions.
Focusing on a partner’s sexual preferences or whether or not they are enjoying sex—to the exclusion of your own pleasure and what pace, types of touch, or positions might feel good for you. Again, kind and caring for your partner…but your desires get lost.
Deferring to one person in the relationship to make most of the big decisions.
None of these behaviors are inherently bad. In fact, so many of them are caring. These behaviors are part of most relationships, which are full of easy and hard decisions. And while I’m writing primarily about romantic relationships, these things can show up in ANY relationship.
The problem is when the resentment, frustration, or exhaustion grows because you’ve abandoned your own needs and wants. Relationships thrive when there’s a balance of connection and independence. When you balance thinking of others with owning what you want and need to flourish (not just to survive).
It’s tempting to think that your partner could be a little more giving or communicative (and maybe that’s partially true), but change starts with you. You can benefit from stating your needs out loud, and more often.
We’ve Been Conditioned to View Selfishness as Bad
The word “selfish” gets a bad rap. It’s surrounded by quite a few cringe-worthy synonyms and negative messages.
Selfish: adjective (of a person, action, or motive) - lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
Egocentric, egotistical, self-centered, self-serving, thoughtless, uncaring, heedless….
You’re so selfish. Don’t be selfish. Make sure to think of others. Be giving. Be thoughtful.
There are a lot of valid reasons why most people want to avoid these labels. They feel gross, for one! Avoiding selfishness can also guide behavior in positive ways. We’ve all come across self-centered, self-focused, and thoughtless behavior. It’s unpleasant. Most people are kind, well-intentioned, and genuinely care about others. People want their actions to match their values.
Plus, thinking of ourselves first doesn’t always work in a relationship, a family, or a professional community where more than one person is involved. We often get REWARDED and applauded for giving to others, for thinking of others. For not being selfish. So, it’s a little difficult to believe that focusing more on your needs—being a little selfish—can actually help you, your partner, and your relationship.
It can be HARD to say what you want out loud, clearly and directly. You might not know how. You might not even know some of your needs and preferences, because you’ve been focusing on what everyone else wants.
Perhaps you don’t have a strong preference, have to prioritize your partner’s needs for various reasons, or it’s easier to go with your partner’s preference (because expressing yours hasn’t ended well).
How Being a Little Selfish Can Help
Naming your needs AND acting on them can help you:
Improve communication and emotional connection. Speaking about your needs and preferences can feel vulnerable for many. Acting on them can be difficult, too. It takes a level of risk to put your preferences out there and trust that they’ll be received, heard, and respected. Naming your needs is practicing effective communication and increased vulnerability, which can help partners to feel more emotionally connected.
Avoid reliance on mind-reading. We can’t read minds. We can’t always anticipate another’s needs. We get it wrong a lot of the time, even with educated guesses. It’s a tough reality of life—shouldn’t my partner just KNOW by now? Wishing and hoping for someone to read our minds and figure out what we need does not make it any. more. possible. Clear and direct communication leaves less room for mix-ups. (I’m also going to guess that your partner could feel relieved to learn what you need, from the source).
Reduce resentment and frustration. When you practice making space for your needs in a relationship, you send a powerful message to yourself and to your partner: your needs matter. They deserve time and space. Accepting that you are a human with needs and desires feels a lot better than stuffing things down and harboring resentment.
Tend to yourself. It may go without saying, but the whole point of being a little more selfish is to nurture yourself. To give your mind and body what it needs, to show up as the human you are in your relationships. If your cup is a little more full, imagine the benefits for you and those around you. Back to the counterintuitive piece — sometimes the solution is not giving MORE to your relationship, but allowing yourself to receive.
Ok, But How?
Practice naming your needs, directly and clearly. Kindly, but without apology.
I want ______. I would like to _______. I need _________. I am feeling ___________.
Make statements about your own preferences before asking about what someone else wants and needs. Let it feel a little weird, vulnerable, or awkward. Notice if you have a knee-jerk urge to ask a partner what they want or think.
Instead of waiting for your partner to ask about what’s wrong, try “I’d like to share how I’m feeling. Are you available to talk for a bit?” If not now or today, schedule a time that does work. Both of you will come to the conversation more ready to listen.
Ask for help. Accept the help. Allow yourself to receive from others.
Instead of waiting for your partner to initiate sex, try asking or indicating that you’re interested. If you don’t ask, you may already have a “no.” Remember, we can guess, but we can’t read minds…
Same goes for during sexual activity. How can you communicate (verbally or non-verbally) you want more or less of something, that you need a change of pace, or a different position? Tune into your body. What would it be like to take a little control over your own pleasure? (With a willing, consenting partner, of course).
Ask for your partner’s support. This might sound like: “I’m trying to share what I need more often, but I’m struggling. I could use a helpful nudge and re-direction if you notice me ignoring my own stuff.”
Can you think of a few more examples in your own relationships?
References:
Oxford Languages - Dictionary: https://languages.oup.com/google-dictionary-en/
