Increase Desire for Sex, or Increase Pleasure?
I’m in the process of reading Emily Nagoski’s latest book about sexuality in relationships—Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. I’m transparent with my clients when I recommend it… I haven’t finished it yet! But, in typical Emily Nagoski fashion, she offers up nuggets of science, practical approaches, and new and attainable ways to think about desire, pleasure, and sexual connection in relationships.
I trust Emily Nagoski’s wisdom and non-judgmental approach as a sex educator and author, so I frequently steer my clients to her books and content. I find the perspectives she offers very freeing and normalizing. Maybe you will, too.
What You’ll Find in This Article:
The “Desire Imperative” —> Which can sound like… Must. Feel. More. Desire. —OR— “If I don’t have desire for sex with my partner, then it’s a problem, and I’m the problem to fix. My low desire is the problem. ”
Why focusing on desire makes sense, but might have us looking in the wrong place for realistic solutions for our relationships and sex lives.
Another option for improving sex and intimacy in long-term relationships: Focusing more on improving pleasure and creating room for it to happen in your life (and sex life).
The Desire Imperative
In Come Together, Nagoski introduces a narrative many of us hold about sex and desire, called “the desire imperative.” She describes this desire imperative as a list of shoulds and ideas about what sexual and romantic connection is supposed to be like, including:
The start of a sexual or romantic relationship should include a “spark” and an almost-obsessive, spontaneous craving for sexual intimacy with a partner.
This kind of spontaneous “spark” is the “correct, best, healthy, normal kind of desire, and if we don’t have it, then we don’t have anything worth having.”
If we have to put time, “thought, preparation or planning into our sex lives, then we don’t want it ‘enough.’”
If a partner doesn’t feel this same kind of spontaneous want or desire for us, they also don’t want us “enough.”
According to Nagoski, the problem with the desire imperative is that “it puts desire at the center of our definition of sexual well-being. It says there is only one right way to experience desire, and without that, nothing else matters. And so people worry about sexual desire. If desire changes or it seems to be missing, people worry that there’s something very wrong ” (Nagoski).
She goes on to remind us that there’s major irony in this imperative to focus on desire. All the focus and worry on improving or changing desire for sex rarely makes it easier to want, like, or desire sex. This attention on improving desire tends to generate more stress, worry, and less desire.
How the desire imperative shows up in my office:
I work with individuals and couples who are significantly distressed by changes in desire over time, or mismatches. Often, they want help with talking about it in the first place, but the next questions are always: so, what do we do? Here are some examples of how desire is the focus:
An individual might not desire sex as often as she used to. She’s happy to engage in sex once she and her partner get started (and she enjoys it), but she doesn’t really crave it or need to have it. She believes she’s supposed to work on ways to increase desire in therapy, but she’s not totally bought into the idea that desire is the problem to “fix.” She doesn’t really see how it could be that simple. (It’s usually not!).
A couple has mismatched desire. One partner has higher desire, the other has lower desire; one would be ok with sex 5x a week, the other twice a month or less, if at all. And their questions frequently are… what do we do about this? How do we find a compromise? How can we improve desire or get on the same page? Should we schedule sex? They’re distressed about changes in desire, and that makes sense.
Prioritizing Pleasure
Nagoski encourages her readers (as she has for years) to consider focusing on “pleasure as the measure” for great sexual connection and wellbeing, not desire:
“Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not about how much you want sex, it’s about how much you like the sex you’re having.”
Read that again.
And imagine: great sex may not be about your level of wanting and desiring it, but how much you like and enjoy it. How much pleasure you’re experiencing. How good it feels to you. How satisfying it is to you and your partner. The idea is that the more pleasure you feel during a sexual experience, the more likely your brain and body are to hop on board with wanting it and thinking about it again.
Pleasure, Desire, and a Pizza Metaphor
I like the metaphor of a great meal at a restaurant. If you had some DELICIOUS pizza last weekend at a local restaurant, you’re more likely to want it again, to think about it going back, or to even crave that delicious pizza again. It was memorable! Enjoyable! On the contrary, if it was pretty average, sub-par, or even disappointing pizza, you’re less likely to want it again. That makes sense, right? But when it comes to thinking about sexual desire, we tend to assign much more meaning and weight to changes in craving, or the not-wanting. Sexual desire tends to work in the same way. We usually can’t make ourselves desire a thing more when if it isn’t all that pleasurable or satisfying in the first place.
So, we’re not ignoring desire altogether, but we’re not prioritizing it as the be-all, end-all marker of sexual wellness. With Emily’s guidance and educator prowess, we’re focusing more on how to create opportunities in busy lives for pleasure to occur (by yourself or with your partner). To really focus on pleasure when there’s an opportunity for sexual connection. As a sex therapist helping couples with desire issues in their relationships, I really appreciated this reminder and opportunity to shift the focus a bit more to pleasure again.
And this is where I’ll stop and invite you to continue learning about Emily Nagoski’s suggestions and plans for centering pleasure. Take a look at her book, Come Together, for more.
Really? Focus on Pleasure Instead of Desire?
A couple of reflection questions for you:
Could this perspective shift—a focus on improving opportunities for pleasure, instead of so much attention on desire—be realistic or helpful for you?
If not, why not? (And there may be many valid reasons or concerns).
Ready to Start Therapy in Chicago, IL?
Talking about relationship and sexual issues can feel vulnerable. A lot of my clients mention not knowing where to start, what to talk about, and more importantly, what to DO differently. As a trained relationship and sex therapist, I work with you to identify stuck points in your relationship or sex life, and implement realistic, practical strategies for your life. You can get started with individual or couples sex therapy. Getting started just takes three easy steps.
Reach out to have a free consultation with me, where we’ll discuss any questions and see if we’re a good fit.
Schedule your first sex therapy appointment.
Start enjoying a healthier and more attainable relationship with pleasure and desire in your life.
I Offer Teletherapy Services in Illinois & Michigan
Are you interested in getting support through individual therapy, sex therapy, or couples therapy? At my Chicago, IL-based private therapy practice, I offer these therapy services through online therapy on a secure platform. As a licensed therapist in both Illinois and Michigan, I can work with you as long as you live in either state. Reach out now to start feeling better in your life and relationships.
