Common Obstacles I See as a Couples Sex Therapist
Individuals and couples begin sex therapy for a variety of reasons. Urgency is usually pretty high by the time people are ready to work with a couples sex therapist. They’re ready for things to improve, now. Most couples want guidance, answers, and direction. They want to feel better… yesterday! Last month! And I completely get that. Problems with sex and intimacy in relationships are extremely unsettling and distressing.
Our society and the educational system don’t do us any favors, either… with bare-bones sex education and lack of relationship education. Luckily, many educators (including sex educators) are now delivering and advocating for comprehensive sex education and resources. But for many, it can be difficult to answer the following questions - maybe, because they so rarely get asked.
What did you learn about sex and sexuality? What messages did you receive? How did you learn how to communicate with a romantic partner, or how to be in a relationship?
When I asked these questions on Instagram the other day, many responded with “NOTHING.” Others shared that sex ed was abstinence-focused, STD/STI-focused, or that it had nothing to do with pleasure or learning about how their bodies worked. Especially with another person or in a relationship. Most people learn about sex and relationships by experience or through TV, movies, and porn.
Yep. That sounds about right. Not right, but accurate! It’s part of why I became a relationship and couples sex therapist in Chicago… to help people access resources and learn about their relationships, their bodies, their sexual experiences, and make choices that will empower them in their lives now. Even if they didn’t have support or helpful information when they needed it.
And now, let’s talk about…
A Few Obstacles I Have Seen As A Couples Sex Therapist
In my work as a relationship and sex therapist, I’ve seen couples experience some common obstacles in sex therapy. These obstacles are a normal part of the therapy process, but they can stunt progress towards relationship and sex therapy goals if they go unaddressed. In other words, they keep you from making the changes you want to see in your relationship.
Keep reading to learn how these challenges show up and what you can do if you find yourself in one of these scenarios.
And remember… you’re not failing if you find yourself struggling in this way. You’re human!
Communication Problems or Low Trust
When couples come to therapy with sex and intimacy issues, they might also experience underlying, related issues with communication, low emotional connection, or low trust. If conflict is so high that you can’t hear each other or feel understood, we’re likely going to prioritize a few things before diving into how to make your sex life better. These include learning strategies for navigating conflict, skills for communicating more effectively and rebuilding connection and/or trust.
If you are struggling to trust your partner, it makes sense that sexual desire, arousal, frequency, and/or satisfaction might be impacted. For many, sexual intimacy requires a level of trust and willingness to be vulnerable. To let go, to be present, to play, to even take some small risks.
Your problems and concerns related to sex usually don’t happen in a vacuum. They take place in the context of the rest of your relationship, which includes interactions and behaviors outside of the bedroom, and your history and experience with sex and sexuality. You can expect that if you’re coming to sex therapy as a couple, you’ll also get support with other relationship issues when needed. Your therapist will include you in this decision about which aspects of your relationship are prioritized, and why.
The Struggle to Prioritize Intimacy
One of the hardest things for busy couples (especially parents) is to carve out weekly, intentional time for physical intimacy and affection. Time that is just for you and your partner; free from work-related or household distractions. Sometimes this means scheduling time in advance for a date night or scheduling a time where you and your partner can expect to have privacy and time for sex.
Scheduling—the idea can get some eye rolls. :) Won’t scheduling take the fun and spontaneity out of sex? The power of scheduling time for sex or physical connection is in building positive anticipation. You are creating time and space to look forward to something. To build desire and excitement. To think about each other.
There is no shame in prioritizing something that is important to you. Something that matters to you. Like most good things that are worth having in your relationship, you may have to invest some time and energy into this area of your life.
Waiting until the mood strikes one or both of you is another option. The tough part about this? You leave it up to chance! There are SO MANY THINGS that can get in the way. Sex and intimacy aren’t always a priority when you have places to be, things to do, bills to pay, and people or animals to care for.
Let sex and intimacy be like a workout that you like. If you know it helps you and your relationship (when you make time for it), plan for it. Practice creating a routine around it. See what happens! If scheduling and prioritizing time isn’t for you after you try, that’s ok.
Not Trying Assigned Exercises Outside of Sex Therapy
What you get OUT of sex therapy is very tightly associated with the time and effort you put INTO therapy. In couples sex therapy AND individual sex therapy, this effort is two-fold:
1) showing up and really engaging in therapy sessions
2) practicing and applying what you learn with your partner outside of sessions.
A large part of the work that happens outside of sessions includes homework or exercises assigned and provided by your therapist, based on your concerns and goals. This might include:
A guided conversation about a certain topic.
Readings that are relevant to your experience or issue.
Exercises that are designed to help you and your partner slow down, focusing more on relaxation and touch instead of sexual performance.
Sometimes, doing this extra “homework” in the week or two between sessions isn’t easy. Doing the work outside of therapy sessions requires you to be motivated, ready to carve out time, and attempt something new (which can sometimes be uncomfortable or awkward). Like a class or learning a new skill.
Life gets in the way, family and friends come in town, work gets busy, and that thing we talked about in therapy —that thing you’re going to practice—ends up at the bottom of the priority list.
Why Would A Couples Sex Therapist Assign Homework?
I tell my clients often: I’m giving you homework because I believe it will help you, but I don’t want you to feel like you’re failing or disappointing me or yourselves if you can’t do it (or can’t do all of it). My hope is for you to try. Try to take something out of what I give you, and think about how it applies to your life and relationship. If you avoided the homework or didn’t make time for it, that gives us something to explore.
The truth is… I recommend certain exercises as a couples sex therapist in Chicago because they are evidence-based and known to help with specific issues. If you don’t TRY the exercises or look at the resources, you are missing out on a significant portion of the work and potential for change! You are less likely to discover if the exercise and approach can truly help you and your relationship.
I’m always, always, always open to being wrong and corrected, especially if a recommendation is way off, unhelpful, or in any way harmful to you. I always want to know that. And I also hope (and expect!) that you will give things a good faith effort before turning them down.
Are You Ready To Start Sex Therapy in Chicago, IL?
Relationships, intimacy, and sex all come with complications that are completely normal. As a couples sex therapist I work with you to overcome those complications and improve your sex life. If you are ready to put in the work then I can help you start having the intimate relationship you want through couples or individual sex therapy. In order to get started it just takes three simple steps.
Reach out to have a free consultation with a couples sex therapist.
Schedule your first sex therapy appointment!
Start enjoying an intimate and healthy sex life.
Other Online Therapy Services I Offer in Illinois & Michigan
Are you interested in getting support for you and your partner with marriage counseling, couples therapy, or premarital counseling? Do you want to work on your individual relationship issues or get help setting boundaries in relationships? At my Chicago, IL-based private therapy practice, I offer these counseling services through online therapy. As a licensed online therapist in Illinois and Michigan, I can help you no matter where you are in those states. Reach out now to start investing in yourself and your relationships.
