Couples Therapy: What to Know Before You Start
So many people have questions about couples therapy before getting started. Or before even contacting a counselor for a consultation. Of course, you have questions! It’s unsettling to deal with relationship problems in the first place. The idea of asking for help and inviting a couples therapist (a complete stranger to you) to look at your relationship with you might feel vulnerable or a little intimidating.
The reality is — you’re likely coming to couples therapy to talk about some things that are hard. Embarrassing, awkward, frustrating, or a little scary because it’s something you’re taking seriously. Marriage counseling might not feel easy at first. Please rest assured, we therapists understand this and try to create an environment that will help you to feel more comfortable as you get started.
Read on to find out the answers to several frequently asked questions about couples therapy.
What You’ll Find in This Article:
When should you start couples therapy?
What will the first session look like?
How can marriage counseling help?
What can you expect from the process?
How do you know if therapy is (or isn’t) helping?
When is marriage counseling not a good idea?
When should you start couples therapy?
Couples may begin therapy for many reasons, at several life stages. There’s no right or wrong time to start couples therapy. Certain times might be better than others, sure. If you have a lot going on in this season of life and truly do not have the capacity, emotional energy, or time to show up intentionally and do the work in and outside of therapy then now might not be the right time. Be honest with yourself about your readiness to invest in the process, and you’ll get a lot more out of therapy.
Too early / waited too long / shouldn’t have let things get this bad
I’ve heard a lot of couples judge themselves for needing to start couples therapy in Chicago, IL. Either they’re critiquing themselves for starting therapy too early in their relationship (Is it ok that we’re doing this now? Yes!). Or regretting that they waited too long to get help. Many others think that they shouldn’t have let things get this bad in the first place.
Wherever you are, if any of these sentiments sound like you… I know it’s not easy to be here, thinking about asking for help. But, I hope you can try being a little gentler with yourself. Relationships take effort and hard work. You’re doing the next right thing for you and your relationship by asking for help and guidance from a couples therapist now.
How can couples therapy help?
Marriage counseling can provide couples with guidance and a safe space to discuss the difficult, distressing, or stuck aspects of their relationship. You’ll be working with a trained professional who knows a lot about relationships and is ready to help you better understand what’s working (and what’s not) in your relationship.
Couples therapy can help you:
better understand unhelpful patterns of communication and interaction
gain practical strategies for handling conflict and miscommunication
improve communication skills
learn how to really listen, understand, and empathize (even if you don’t agree or experience the same thing)
re-connect with your partner on shared goals, values, and expectations
manage and respect individual differences in a healthier way
discuss sex and intimacy (and any changes) with more ease, less awkwardness
improve connection and emotional intimacy
practice decision-making skills together
adjust to life transitions (such as marriage, transition to parenthood, and career changes) as a team, with support and guidance
What will the first couples therapy session look like?
While each couples therapist may vary in their approach and how they structure couples sessions, expect to spend some time in the first session talking about your relationship and your hopes for therapy. A typical couples therapy session lasts anywhere from 45-6o minutes. My sessions are always 50 minutes. Some therapists do extended sessions.
In the first session or two, you’ll be asked several questions like the examples below.
It’s ok if you don’t have all the answers. These questions will help your therapist to better understand you, your relationship, and your goals in order to begin planning and customizing treatment for you.
What brings you to marriage counseling now, instead of 6 months ago, or 1 or 2 years ago? What’s been happening lately that lead you to reach out for help?
What are you hoping to work on here?
What are 3 problem areas or topics that need some time and attention in your relationship?
If I were to see you both during a typical argument, what would I see? What is it about? Who is saying what, then what do you do? How does it end?
What’s going well in your relationship right now?
If couples therapy helps and you feel ready to pause or stop, how would you know? What would you be doing, saying, thinking, or feeling? What would be happening?
What can you expect from the process?
Couples therapists may work differently based on their approach to therapy, but here’s what you can expect from therapy with me. As both a couples therapist and sex therapist in Chicago, I spend the first few sessions thoroughly assessing different aspects of your relationship, sexual history (if you’re hoping to work on sexual issues), individual mental health, medical history, and more.
Session 1: Couples session - meet together as a couple to discuss current challenges and goals for couples therapy.
Session 2: Individual session with partner A
Session 3: Individual session with partner B
Session 4: Couples session - meet together as a couple for a feedback session. Therapist shares observations and initial impressions about your relationship and recommendations for areas of focus in ongoing treatment.
Session 5 and ongoing sessions: Couples sessions moving forward. Begin working on aspects of the relationship such as communication, emotional connection, decision-making, improving sex and intimacy, and/or coping and adjusting to life transitions (depending on your goals for therapy).
How do you know if couples therapy is (or isn’t) helping?
This is a question many couples therapists will ask you in the first session or two:
How would YOU know if couples therapy has helped? What would be happening? What would tell you that things have really improved?
And another question after several sessions:
How is this going? Are you working on what you wanted to work on? Do you have any questions or feedback about the process?
You are the expert on yourself and your relationship. And still, your therapist doesn’t expect you to have ALL the answers about your progress and treatment. You are coming to a counselor for guidance, after all. You are collaborating together.
Your therapist is trained and skilled at paying attention and noticing your progress—and sharing those reflections with you. Your couples therapist will also check in with you if they notice you struggling more than usual, experiencing higher conflict, problems worsen or feel more stuck, or new problems arise. You are welcome to share these observations about your own progress and expectations at any time.
If therapy isn’t helping, what are your options?
Tell your couples therapist—they may be able to make adjustments to your treatment with your feedback. These adjustments might include giving you more or less “homework” or assignments to work on between sessions, or changing the focus of therapy to issues that feel more important (or pressing) to you. Your needs and goals often can change throughout marriage counseling, so it’s helpful to keep your therapist informed as you realize this.
Referral to another therapist to continue therapy. You may benefit from meeting with another therapist who may be a better fit for you, has a different approach, or specializes in the treatment of your specific concerns. Sometimes, the need for referral to another therapist only becomes evident (to you OR your therapist) after several sessions of work and the discovery that you could benefit from working with someone who is better equipped to help you. It may be a disappointing aspect of therapy—this potential for a referral—but know that this is part of our ethical obligation as therapists. To ensure that we are practicing within our scope of training and specialization, and providing referrals when we are not.
End therapy. Maybe it’s time for a break or pause from therapy, for whatever reasons. You can always resume at another time in the future.
When is couples therapy NOT a good idea?
Couples therapy is not recommended (and not appropriate) in a few scenarios.
In the case of ongoing domestic violence and intimate partner violence, conjoint couples therapy (both partners in the room and working on the relationship) is strongly discouraged for safety reasons. Marriage counseling cannot proceed and be effective when one partner’s safety could be at risk. Instances of mutual physical abuse or physical altercations may have happened in a relationship—these are important to share with your therapist. Even if they have happened in the past and are not current, as they will impact your sense of trust and safety.
“Mixed-agenda” couples—when one partner is all-in, and one partner is leaning out of the relationship:
When partners cannot agree on shared goals for therapy (are you genuinely working to improve the relationship? or working towards separation or divorce?), research shows that traditional couples therapy can result in poorer outcomes for couples. A specific type of couples counseling, discernment counseling was developed and recommended for couples when partners are ambivalent (uncertain) about commitment and the next steps for their relationship. The idea is: to spend time working with a discernment counselor (who may also be a couples therapist/counselor) to discern the next steps before committing to working on the relationship or ending the relationship.
Check Back for More Answers to Your Couples Therapy Questions
This probably isn’t an exhaustive list of all the questions you have about couples therapy, but I hope it gives you enough information to get you started! I’ll be adding in other questions and answers as they are asked or relevant. Check back here from time to time!
Ready to Start Couples Therapy in Chicago, IL?
Are you considering starting marriage counseling in Chicago or Detroit? Knowing when to reach out for support from a couples therapist can be hard. If this blog helped answer some of your questions then I am ready to support you while you build stronger communication in your relationship. If you still have concerns then we can discuss them during a free consultation. Get support for yourself and your relationship by following these steps:
Contact me for a free consultation whether you are in Chicago or Detroit.
Start couples therapy to strengthen your relationship with the support of a marriage counselor.
Watch as your relationship grows and thrives
Other Services Offered in Illinois & Michigan
As an online therapist in Illinois and Michigan, I offer more than marriage counseling. To further support couples I offer individual and couples sex therapy and premarital counseling. For individuals, I provide therapy for relationship issues and setting boundaries. I look forward to hearing how I can support you and your relationships. Reach out today to get started!
