Uncomfortable Feelings That Make Setting Boundaries Hard
It’s time to start looking at allllll the discomfort that arises when we start setting boundaries.
You may have read my last blog about important relationship expectations to discuss in romantic relationships. But what about all the other relationships in our lives that impact us? These relationships need healthy ground rules and expectations to thrive, too. As relationship expert and psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” It’s worthwhile to invest in improving (and revising) our relationships.
In my work as a relationship therapist in Detroit, I hear about a lot of relationship challenges, frustration, and resentment. Tension tends to build and fester. Often to a point of overwhelm and exhaustion. People end up with sudden or angry blow-ups, burnout, passive-aggressive behavior, or feeling trapped in relationship patterns that are no longer really working for them. [Note: I’m not recommending or condoning setting boundaries and staying in abusive or unsafe relationships.]
Have you heard of Midwest Nice?
There’s a cultural stereotype about Midwesterners being nice. Accommodating, polite, reserved, and sometimes more passive-aggressive than direct and assertive. (If you’re familiar with comedian Charlie Berens and his video sketches on the Midwest, you know). There’s a reason a good handful of people find Midwest-focused humor funny: it’s relatable. So is the stereotype true? While I don’t want to generalize to all Midwesterners, Michiganders, and Chicagoans, I certainly hear these themes echoed in my personal life and in my work with clients.
All too often, people in metro Detroit are experiencing frustrating patterns of behavior in their relationships with family, friends, co-workers, bosses, and in-laws. Those relationships where saying “CAN YOU STOP DOING THAT?” without hesitation (as you might to a romantic partner) feels less acceptable. Risky. Impolite. Mean. Unkind.
It's that complicated stuff—the feelings and beliefs we have about boundaries and whether or not they’re even OK —that can stop us from identifying and communicating boundaries in our relationships.
Have you ever focused so much on the potential consequences of setting boundaries that you’ve decided, why bother?
This might sound like:
It’s too hard.
I can’t handle the guilt.
I’ll just end up giving in when they push back.
It’ll upset them.
It’ll make them mad.
Things will feel so weird.
They won’t like me.
They’ll think I don’t care.
What if they don’t want to talk anymore?
They won’t think I’m fun. (or determined / a team-player / serious about this)
This relationship might not be the same once I say this.
These are just a few of the many uncomfortable feelings and beliefs you might have as you consider setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships. And you’re not alone.
In her book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, Nedra Glover Tawwab, author and psychotherapist, writes about the hardest part of setting boundaries: dealing with the emotional discomfort that happens as a result. “Discomfort is the number one reason we want to bypass setting [boundaries],” Tawwab says, “It’s common afterward to feel guilty, afraid, sad, remorseful, or awkward.”
Among Tawwab’s tips for identifying and communicating boundaries (clearly and assertively) in relationships, she reminds us that the discomfort we experience with setting boundaries is normal and expected. Uncomfortable, but part of the process. She also offers strategies for managing the discomfort that will inevitably arise as you continue to do the work.
How to Manage Uncomfortable Feelings Around Setting Boundaries
Guilt
Sounds like: “I feel guilty for needing this” or “This is wrong.”
What you can do: Nedra Tawwab suggests that guilt will come and go, like all other feelings. Feel the guilt, but don’t focus on it too much. Re-direct and focus on self-care activities if you need to. Remember that it’s healthy for you to have boundaries.
Fear
Sounds like: “I won’t hear from them again once I say this”
What you can do: “With fear, we assume the worst,” says Tawwab. While we don’t know how someone will respond to a direct and assertive boundary, we can consider the ways people might honor and respect our limits, rather than letting fear keep us from setting important and healthy boundaries.
Sadness
Sounds like: “It hurts to know I might hurt their feelings” or “I want to be nice”
What you can do: Tawwab reminds that that we engage in worst-scenario thinking when we assume we’ll hurt someones feelings with our boundary. Other times, “you feel sad because you wanted the people in your life to just ‘get it’ and self-correct,” she says. There can be feelings of grief and loss for needing to set a boundary in certain relationships. When the worst-case scenario thinking gets intense, trust that you may have to wait until someone tells you how they feel (rather than predict or mind-read).
Remorse
Sounds like: “Did I go too far?” or “Was that too harsh?”
What you can do: Direct and assertive communication of boundaries may feel harsh or unkind if you’re used to people-pleasing and accommodating others. But it might just be that assertive communication sounds different and new. Be thoughtful about your words, as “it’s true that words can’t be unsaid,” says Tawwab. She encourages readers to be brave and state their boundaries, even when it’s difficult—it may change your life and relationships in many positive ways.
Awkwardness
Sounds like: “But things will be weird or awkward between us”
What you can do: “Just act normal,” suggests Tawwab in response to this common worry. “Do what you would typically do in the relationship… assume that people will honor your boundaries, and act accordingly.”
Are Boundaries Having a Moment?
Again, I may be biased as a relationship therapist with lots of therapy content on her social media feed, but… there seems to be a lot of hype about boundaries these days. People are talking about them with their friends, family, and therapists. You can read about them in books, on therapist websites (hey! I offer therapy for help with relationship boundaries in Detroit, MI), and all over social media. Naming your needs, preserving your energy, and preventing resentment in your relationships… I support it! That’s my work. Yet, I’m noticing a trend:
Boundaries have become a popular idea, framed as an achievable and effective approach to relationship problems.
What better way to set expectations and reduce relationship distress than by communicating clear, direct boundaries?
If you’re thinking, “Woah, not so fast with this boundary talk. That sounds great in theory, but it’s not that simple! I need HELP,” I hear you. There’s more nuance and complexity to it all. Nedra Tawwab covers this complexity at length in her book. I spend a lot of therapy sessions helping thoughtful people make sense of this complexity and identifying the next helpful steps forward.
The thing is—boundaries ARE simple, but not all simple things are easy.
Boundaries CAN be effective and provide more freedom, ease, and relief.
Yet the process of identifying necessary boundaries, setting and maintaining them, and navigating any discomfort that arises… it can feel complicated and strenuous. How do we hold all of these things at once and start making changes? With time, support, guidance, and practice. And a good dose of self-compassion.
If any of the ideas, beliefs, and emotions in this post resonate with your experience and you’re looking for more support, consider reading Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab. As I frequently recommend it for informative background and guidance on boundaries. Individual therapy can also help if you get stuck.
Get Support In Therapy for Setting Boundaries in Detroit, MI
Are you struggling with setting boundaries in your personal and professional relationships? Starting therapy and getting support from a relationship therapist can help you become more comfortable in making them. I offer online therapy in Michigan for setting boundaries in relationships. Follow these steps to get started.
Reach out for a free consultation with a relationship therapist.
Start therapy in Michigan to address uncomfortable feelings surrounding setting boundaries.
Start having open healthy conversations about expectations with your partner
Other Services Offered in Illinois & Michigan
As an online therapist in Michigan, I offered several counseling services to support you and your relationships. I provide individual therapy for relationship issues. In addition to individual and couples sex therapy, premarital counseling, marriage counseling, and couples therapy. All of which are available with online therapy in Michigan and online therapy in Illinois. Reach out today to get started!
References: Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, by Nedra Glover Tawwab (Chapter 6: Identify and Communicate Your Boundaries, pgs. 97-117).
