5 Relationship Expectations to Keep the Conversation Going
What are relationship expectations and why are they important? When is it helpful to discuss or re-evaluate expectations? Read on to learn about common relationship expectations and how to start discussing them today for more clarity and ease in your relationship.
How to Know When Relationship Expectations Need to be Spoken
Relationship expectations…we all have them. Yet, we’re not always so great at communicating with them. When things go awry in relationships, the problem is often related to one of two things. Either lack of clear communication about expectations in the first place. Or lack of follow-through on realistic, agreed-upon values and expectations.
Discussing expectations for your relationship can leave you with a clear understanding of your role in a healthy, satisfying relationship. Expectations that are unspoken and undiscussed can lead to unmet needs. In addition to frustration and resentment later on in the relationship. [Note: various other relationship issues, violations of trust, problems setting boundaries, and unexpected life changes can contribute to relationship distress but won’t be highlighted in this blog.]
You might find yourself in one of these familiar scenarios:
You’re considering deepening your commitment to a partner. For example, choosing to date, moving to the same city, moving in together, getting married, or another commitment. In doing so you want to better understand your values and expectations beforehand.
In your relationship, you are beginning to feel resentful or frustrated, because it is not panning out as you expected. You’re realizing you expected one thing from your partner, but you’re getting something different.
In the past, you have discussed expectations and had a solid plan about how you and your partner would approach certain decisions. But now you or your partner have had a change of heart. This isn’t going as expected.
You don’t know what you expected, but it’s not this.
Discussing Relationship Expectations is the Key
When we don’t communicate our relationship expectations, we inadvertently risk setting our relationships up for distress and failure. One of the most helpful things we can do for our relationships is to discuss expectations and keep discussing them.
Discussing expectations might seem unnecessary. You already know this person in and out, right? You’re on the same page (or you really think and hope so). It’s easy to hope that a partner will just know what you want or expect. This approach is tempting, but risky, and might result in you and your partner operating on unspoken expectations that you thought you agreed on, but never discussed.
You may also be really good at anticipating other people’s needs, BUT— we still can’t read minds! Life gets difficult, and things happen that we can’t plan for. By getting relationship expectations out on the table over and over again, you’ll have more opportunities for clarity and understanding if and when life gets busier or more challenging.
5 Important Relationship Expectations to Discuss
Relationship Interactions
Most people expected to be supported, loved, and treated well by their partners. But what does that actually mean to you? You might expect mutual respect, consideration of your needs, loyalty and trust, safety, affection, appreciation, and curiosity about your interests. While these things may seem obvious, they’re worth discussing. Conflict and disagreement can be signs of a healthy relationship, up to a point.
What do respect, loyalty, and appreciation actually look and sound like? Do you have the same hopes and expectations? What is your partner able and willing to provide? Are these things really for both of you? Be willing to discuss and answer these same questions about how you can show up for your partner.
Maybe you expect and hope for quality time to feel loved. While your partner looks for support through acts of service. Such as the things you do—help with tasks, taking things off the to-do list, etc. Take a few minutes to learn about the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We all give and receive love differently. As a relationship therapist, it’s helpful to know how you and a partner might compare and contrast.
Relationship Expectations About Sex and Intimacy
Discussing sexual expectations and addressing problems as they arise is one of the most important things you can do for your relationship and sex life. Many couples struggle when sex no longer looks or feels like it used to at the start of a relationship. While changes in sexual desire and arousal are normal aspects of long-term relationships. However, changes to your sex life can cause a lot of tension and emotional distress if not discussed and worked on as a team. Conversations about your sex life might feel awkward or difficult if you never learned how to talk about your desires or concerns.
Some questions to consider. What works for you sexually, and what doesn’t? What’s arousing, interesting, distracting? Are there things that you like and you do not like? Discuss this with your partner, and get support from a sex therapist or other resources if you are struggling to get started. How will you both bring up a sexual concern, preference, or question if it arises? Will you prioritize sexual connection when life gets busy or stressful? What are your expectations for your sexual relationship? Are these expectations realistic and achievable? How will you both collaborate on any problems or frustrations as a team?
Expectations About Money
We all have a relationship with money, including beliefs, experiences, and stories about money. Many of these money stories and beliefs come into your relationship. So it’s important to discuss financial expectations openly and honestly.
Some questions to consider. What are your financial goals? Are there things that you value most? What is most important to you regarding where you live, work, eat, sleep, socialize, and travel? Are you a spender, a saver, or somewhere in between? What emotional responses to money are memorable, and what does that say about your relationship to money? How do you and your partner compare and contrast? In what ways will you manage finances —together as a team, or will one person take the lead? How will you handle big financial decisions or financial hardship?
Roles and Responsibilities
The division of labor: Who cooks, who cleans? What about who does laundry, plans social engagements or travel, pays the bills, organizes a household, and tends to pets?
Parenting: Do you want to be a parent? If not, do both partners agree with and respect this decision? If you do want to be a parent, do both partners agree with and respect this decision? In either case, how will you talk about (or choose not to discuss) your decision with family and friends who ask? How will you cope with and discuss (or not discuss) problems conceiving, if you have them? Will you pursue fertility treatments? Consider adoption?
What is your parenting style? What do you expect from a partner as the parent of your child (and your co-parent)? How will you manage differences in parenting style and choices? When will you get support as a couple if you need it?
Relationships with Family & Friends
Over time, a couple forms into a unit that is distinct from each partner’s family of origin. This change isn’t always easy for family and friends (or even you!) as everyone adjusts. With romantic partnership and marriage, more time and energy may be prioritized within the relationship. More than ever before. As you establish your own family unit (with or without kids), you’ll figure out how you want to engage with your social world as a couple.
Some questions to consider: What kind of relationship with family do you expect? How frequently will you see or maintain contact with family and friends? Which friends or family do you see together, and who do you see individually? Why? What are your limits and boundaries with family and friends? Have you set a level of privacy that you will maintain about relationship issues and celebrations? How will you spend the holidays? How will you handle any conflict or tension?
Get Help Discussing Expectations at Any Relationship Stage
It’s never too late to begin discussing relationship expectations. If this list feels overwhelming, try picking one area and ask for a good time to discuss your questions with your partner. A couples therapist can help you find the best place to get started. If you need help or run into recurring arguments and conflict around any topic, premarital counseling, couples therapy, or sex therapy can help!
Are You Ready to Start Couples Therapy in Chicago, IL?
As a couples therapist, I can help you start the conversation about relationship expectations. I understand that it is not an always easy conversation to have but therapy can help. This is why I provide premarital counseling and marriage counseling through online therapy in Illinois and Michigan. To get started follow these simple steps.
Reach out for a free consultation with a couples therapist.
Have your therapy appointment to discuss relationship expectations.
Start having open healthy conversations about expectations with your partner
Other Services Offered in Illinois & Michigan
As an online therapist, I offered several services to support you and your relationship. I provide individual therapy for setting boundaries and relationship issues. At my Chicago, IL-based therapy practice I provide individual and couples sex therapy. As well as premarital counseling, marriage counseling, and couples therapy. All of these services are available through online therapy in Michigan and Illinois. Contact me today to get started!
References: List of relationship expectations adapted and modified from Prepare-Enrich, Premarital and Marriage Assessment Tool & Program; Strengths and Growth Areas.
